Over two years ago I felt God leading me into missions. Soon after Mr. Steady confirmed he felt called as well.
I remember vividly laying in bed one night, tears flowing like the Nile, arguing with God that I am not ready, not equipped, not prepared, not good enough, not holy enough, just not. He is the great I Am and I'm the great I Am Not. I tried convincing Him he had it all wrong and then I tried convincing myself I had been duped and had not been called at all.
Because of some circumstances in our life we knew we wouldn't be going anywhere for several years at the minimum and because we knew God works all things together for those that love Him we gave it to God to work out the details.
This week I was in that ugly place again. Maybe you've been there, the one where self-pity and loathing threaten to strangle you until you cry "uncle". I feel like our church should just put "Please pray for Mr. Steady's family because they are one messed up group of people." in our prayer concerns on the bulletin.
I was washing the dishes this morning and listening to In Touch. Dr. Stanley's teaser as the show went to commercial was "Do you ever feel like your umbrella can't withstand any more rain?" (my paraphrase). And I said "Yes, Lord! I do! Enough is enough! I don't know why you are allowing all this in my life but I'm obviously not going to be a better person for it and I'm obviously not learning anything so you can just turn it off now."
God allowed me to continue to listen after the commercial break. And God used Dr. Stanley to speak to me"You said you weren't strong enough, I'm giving you things to make you stronger. You said you weren't compassionate enough, so I'm giving you opportunities to reach out to others with empathy and love them because you love me. You said this so I did that. You will never be enough, but I am. I will give you my strength and my grace the moment you need and not a mite before."
In essence I heard God say "***BUZZ*** wrong answer, dear daughter of mine. You don't get to retreat and sign out. You become pliable, you become teachable. QUIT RUNNING AWAY!"
And through my tears that seem to be my constant companion these days I nod and agree with Him. Knowing that running away from the Master Creator is not going to make me who I want to be. And who I want to be is the daughter He already knows I'll be in the end.